Who Is Mayor Mallard?

Elwood “Skip” Mallard wasn’t born a leader. He was born during a demolition derby and just kinda stuck with the theme. He once ran a bait shop, then a car wash, then both at the same time before someone told him “you can’t mix bleach and worms.” His third cousin nominated him for mayor as a joke. He won by default – the other guy got arrested mid-speech.

Skip runs the town like a radio stuck between stations. He holds daily press briefings even if there’s nothing to say, usually starting with “Now y’all listen here…” and ending with “and that’s why we banned soup cans near transformers.”

He takes emergency preparedness seriously – especially when it comes to beer. During the Great Blackout of ’19, Skip activated the only municipal protocol he ever wrote: the Beer Squad Response Plan. Their mission? Rescue chilled beverages from warming beyond 58 degrees. He called it “a success measured in foam and freedom.”

Rev Diesel tolerates him. Bubba sometimes borrows his megaphone. Granny once told him, “You talk like a man who’s never been punched properly,” and Skip took it as a compliment. He once asked Missy to “sponsor a petting zoo / gun range crossover” and she hasn’t returned his calls since.

His mayoral vehicle is a lifted Crown Vic with a PA system, police lights that don’t work, and a sticker that reads “God Bless Cold Ones.” He gives speeches from the back of a trailer and considers duct tape a signature.

No one takes Skip seriously…
Except when he’s got the town mic, a power outage, and access to the keg truck.

Legacy

Skip Mallard ain’t corrupt, ain’t smart, and ain’t leaving. He’s Redneck Flats’ loudest noise and softest spine. But he shows up, yells loud, and makes sure there’s beer at every disaster.

You don’t vote for Skip. You just accept him — like humidity or banjo feedback.